I've said all along that there was a deadline with this blog, and that I wasn't going to do it indefinitely. Well, I've reached that point after a year of blogging. To manage the blog in the manner that I prefer to do so takes up a significant amount of time. Time that I now need to invest into other endeavors. And since I don't like to do "half-stepping," I've decided that now would be a good time to shut down the blog.
The conversations that we've had, and the mini-community that we've formed during this time, have greatly enriched my life. I've gained new ideas, insights and information that I wouldn't have gained otherwise. I've even gained some new goals (writing a novel) as a result of these conversations and your input. I can't possibly thank all of you enough for that. THANK YOU.
Peace and God's blessings be upon you,
Khadija
P.S. I hope that our various arks cross paths, and that I see you around on the high seas! LOL!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
How Old Is Too Old? by Tom Kavala
A resume client recently said to me, “Yeah, but I’m too old.”
I wanted to grab him by his lapels and shake some sense into him.
I’m here to tell you …
If there’s something you’ve always wanted to do – but have been putting off – now would be a good time to do it.
A woman once walked up to well-known author and inspirational speaker Wally (Famous) Amos, after a seminar he had given and said, “If I go to law school at my age, I’ll be 55 when I graduate.” Amos asked her, “How old will you be if you don’t go?”
So let me ask you a question, “If not now, when?”
Too Old For What?
Just what is it we’re supposed to be too old for anyway?
People will tell you that advancing age results in lower energy levels and diminished capacity for getting things done.
Really? Consider the following, courtesy of the UC Berkley Wellness Letter:
Verdi composed his “Ave Maria” at age 85.
Harlan Sanders started Kentucky Fried Chicken at the tender age of 65 and became a multi-millionaire.
Grandma Moses – the renowned American folk artist – didn’t start painting until she was in her 70s and didn’t achieve success until she was in her 80s.
Michelangelo was carving the Pieta when he was 89.
Martha Graham – one of the foremost pioneers of modern dance – performed until she was 75 and choreographed her 180th work at age 95.
Marion Hart, sportswoman and author, learned to fly at age 54 and made seven nonstop solo flights across the Atlantic, the last time in 1975 when she was 83.
John Kelley finished his sixtieth Boston Marathon at the age of 83.
Jack LaLanne, at age 62, swam the length of the Golden Gate Bridge underwater, against treacherous tides, towing a 2,000-pound boat. At age 65, he was swimming in Lake Ashinoko, Japan, handcuffed, shackled and towing sixty-five boats loaded with 6,500 pounds of Louisiana wood pulp! At age 70, once again handcuffed and shackled, and fighting blustery winds and currents, LaLanne hit the water and succeeded in pulling seventy boats and seventy people – one person per boat – an astonishing one and one-half miles.
The remarkable accomplishments of these people are not just personal triumphs; rather they are triumphs of the human spirit. They demonstrate that whether you start early or late in life, you can accomplish anything you put your mind to. Whatever you can conceive, you can achieve – regardless of age.
Forget Those Who Say You Can’t
I wonder why so few people feel their age is “just right.”
Being “too old” is just an excuse – an excuse that has closed the door of opportunity to thousands of individuals. They think they are the wrong age, so they don’t even try.
I hear all kinds of people saying you reach a point where starting over, or starting a new endeavor, just isn’t practical anymore.
Let me tell you something – people who know the least, know it the loudest.
The person who is fond of saying, “It can’t be done,” is invariably interrupted by the person who just did it.
When I was a corporate sales trainer, an older salesperson – who should have known better – told me that I didn’t understand the circumstances he was under.
I asked him, “The circumstances you’re under? What are you doing under there? Get out from under there! Who told you to go under there in the first place?”
There are no circumstances you can’t handle. There are only challenges to be met. Every challenge contains within it an opportunity for you to excel.
Start Where You Are
However old you are – you are. So look at your age positively.
A friend of mine, who just turned 70, confided to me that he hated the thought of getting old. I told him it was a lot better than the alternative. If you’re not getting older, you’re dead. I’ll take old over dead any day of the week.
Instead of thinking, “I’m already too old,” think, “I’m still young.” Look forward to new horizons and gain enthusiasm for new things.
Invest time in doing what you really want to do. Whether you’re 29 or 69, it’s never too late. So stop thinking, “I should have started years ago.” You’re here now, so start now. Your best years are ahead of you.
Just ask our own Shelby Beckett. The newest addition to AWAI’s Wall of Fame, Shelby didn’t start copy writing until she was 71. In fact, if you check out the Wall of Fame, you’ll see a lot of gray hair there.
Think about how much productive time you have left.
If your life was an hourglass and you could see the sand passing through it, what would you do today?
The cemetery is full of unwritten books, unsung songs, great deeds left undone, and discoveries never made. Most people die with their dreams still in them. Don’t let the “too old” excuse keep you from living the life you’ve always wanted.
"For of all sad words, of tongues or pen, the saddest are these: I might have been . . ."
I wanted to grab him by his lapels and shake some sense into him.
I’m here to tell you …
If there’s something you’ve always wanted to do – but have been putting off – now would be a good time to do it.
A woman once walked up to well-known author and inspirational speaker Wally (Famous) Amos, after a seminar he had given and said, “If I go to law school at my age, I’ll be 55 when I graduate.” Amos asked her, “How old will you be if you don’t go?”
So let me ask you a question, “If not now, when?”
Too Old For What?
Just what is it we’re supposed to be too old for anyway?
People will tell you that advancing age results in lower energy levels and diminished capacity for getting things done.
Really? Consider the following, courtesy of the UC Berkley Wellness Letter:
Verdi composed his “Ave Maria” at age 85.
Harlan Sanders started Kentucky Fried Chicken at the tender age of 65 and became a multi-millionaire.
Grandma Moses – the renowned American folk artist – didn’t start painting until she was in her 70s and didn’t achieve success until she was in her 80s.
Michelangelo was carving the Pieta when he was 89.
Martha Graham – one of the foremost pioneers of modern dance – performed until she was 75 and choreographed her 180th work at age 95.
Marion Hart, sportswoman and author, learned to fly at age 54 and made seven nonstop solo flights across the Atlantic, the last time in 1975 when she was 83.
John Kelley finished his sixtieth Boston Marathon at the age of 83.
Jack LaLanne, at age 62, swam the length of the Golden Gate Bridge underwater, against treacherous tides, towing a 2,000-pound boat. At age 65, he was swimming in Lake Ashinoko, Japan, handcuffed, shackled and towing sixty-five boats loaded with 6,500 pounds of Louisiana wood pulp! At age 70, once again handcuffed and shackled, and fighting blustery winds and currents, LaLanne hit the water and succeeded in pulling seventy boats and seventy people – one person per boat – an astonishing one and one-half miles.
The remarkable accomplishments of these people are not just personal triumphs; rather they are triumphs of the human spirit. They demonstrate that whether you start early or late in life, you can accomplish anything you put your mind to. Whatever you can conceive, you can achieve – regardless of age.
Forget Those Who Say You Can’t
I wonder why so few people feel their age is “just right.”
Being “too old” is just an excuse – an excuse that has closed the door of opportunity to thousands of individuals. They think they are the wrong age, so they don’t even try.
I hear all kinds of people saying you reach a point where starting over, or starting a new endeavor, just isn’t practical anymore.
Let me tell you something – people who know the least, know it the loudest.
The person who is fond of saying, “It can’t be done,” is invariably interrupted by the person who just did it.
When I was a corporate sales trainer, an older salesperson – who should have known better – told me that I didn’t understand the circumstances he was under.
I asked him, “The circumstances you’re under? What are you doing under there? Get out from under there! Who told you to go under there in the first place?”
There are no circumstances you can’t handle. There are only challenges to be met. Every challenge contains within it an opportunity for you to excel.
Start Where You Are
However old you are – you are. So look at your age positively.
A friend of mine, who just turned 70, confided to me that he hated the thought of getting old. I told him it was a lot better than the alternative. If you’re not getting older, you’re dead. I’ll take old over dead any day of the week.
Instead of thinking, “I’m already too old,” think, “I’m still young.” Look forward to new horizons and gain enthusiasm for new things.
Invest time in doing what you really want to do. Whether you’re 29 or 69, it’s never too late. So stop thinking, “I should have started years ago.” You’re here now, so start now. Your best years are ahead of you.
Just ask our own Shelby Beckett. The newest addition to AWAI’s Wall of Fame, Shelby didn’t start copy writing until she was 71. In fact, if you check out the Wall of Fame, you’ll see a lot of gray hair there.
Think about how much productive time you have left.
If your life was an hourglass and you could see the sand passing through it, what would you do today?
The cemetery is full of unwritten books, unsung songs, great deeds left undone, and discoveries never made. Most people die with their dreams still in them. Don’t let the “too old” excuse keep you from living the life you’ve always wanted.
"For of all sad words, of tongues or pen, the saddest are these: I might have been . . ."
This article appears courtesy of American Writers & Artists Inc.’s (AWAI) Spare_Time Biz Success, a free newsletter that gives you information on the hottest work_at_home opportunities that allow you to make extra money in your spare time and enjoy the financial benefits of a full_time career. For a complimentary subscription, visit http://www.awaionline.com/signup/spare_time_business/.
_____________________________________________
Khadija speaking: This article is for the "grown folks" in the house who are feeling the "melancholy setting sun." You know, the feeling that sets in when you figure that you've got more life behind you than left ahead of you. And that you've already squandered whatever opportunities were available to you in your youth.
I'm saying: So what? At this point, what does it really matter what came before? As the essay author said, "You're here now." I believe that this is all that actually matters NOW. You're blessed to be here now. There are a lot of folks who aren't here now. They're already dead. I know people my age who are already dead. I'm sure you also have some peers who are dead. Dead is dead. I have no interest in being dead before I'm officially dead.
I feel that this entire essay needs to be posted on a lot of folks' refrigerators and doors, but I especially liked the point the author made about "the circumstances that we're under." He's right: If you're operating under some circumstances that are hindering your attainment of abundant life, then you need to get OUT from under those circumstances! It will definitely take effort, and it might take longer than you want, but you need to get OUT from under there!
I don't know about you, but I would prefer to have Col. Sanders' wealth when I'm elderly as opposed to not having it. When I'm elderly, I would prefer to be as fit as Jack LaLanne is.
I would prefer to enjoy my very own "New World" of abundant life for however many years I have left. Wouldn't you?
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Forget Those Who Say That You Can't by Tom Kavala
"Tell me who your best friends are and I'll tell you who you are. The people you associate with most – whether professionally or socially – can have a motivating or de-motivating effect on you. Especially when you're trying to make a comeback from a setback.
Some folks have a perpetually positive attitude and are natural motivators. Others are so negative they brighten a room just by leaving it.
The simple but true fact of life is that you become like those with whom you associate most closely – for good or bad. Sometimes it's better to be alone than in the wrong company.
A quick story …
It was great to be home! I'd been living and working in Europe for two years and this was my first vacation.
We were sitting around the dinner table talking and laughing – having a great time really. Right up until I dropped the bomb.
"I'm going to take up skydiving."
It was like somebody had hit the "Pause" button. Everybody froze.
My mother, my brother and my twenty or thirty assorted aunts, uncles and cousins all asked – almost as one – "Are you out of your mind?"
They then proceeded to tell me every single "Crash and Burn, Death by Falling" story the world has ever known. The funny thing is none of them were skydivers.
Today I have 135 or so parachute jumps under my belt. That's not a lot by some standards, but it's okay for me.
I've jumped out of helicopters, hot air balloons, jets and prop jobs … I've jumped from as low as 1,500 feet and from as high as 21,000 feet … I've jumped static-line and free-fall … and I've often thought back to that night around the dinner table. How much I would have missed, had I let my family steal my dream!
The Only Expert About You is You!
I have discovered that an important characteristic of successful people is their impatience with negative thinking and negative acting people.
Anytime you try to pull ahead of the pack and accomplish something great, there will undoubtedly be people who don't think you can do it. Such naysayers are all too common.
Some of your friends will not want you to go on. They will want you to stay where they are. Friends that don't help you to climb will make you crawl, if you let them. Your friends will either stretch your vision or choke your dream. Those that don't increase you will eventually decrease you.
So never receive counsel from unproductive people – they are not qualified to comment.
On The Road to Success, Be Careful Who You Ask for Directions
If your doctor told you that you needed an operation, you'd probably want to get a second opinion before undergoing surgery. Who would you ask? Your auto mechanic? Your brother, the fireman? Maybe Aunt Gladys? Of course not! You'd ask another doctor – somebody who knows something about medicine.
Never discuss your problems with someone incapable of contributing to the solution, because those who never succeeded themselves are always the first to tell you how. Not everyone has a right to speak into your life. You'll always get the worst of the bargain if you exchange ideas with the wrong person.
When I was thinking about quitting my job as a business consultant and going full time as a copywriter, my family told me they thought I was crazy – again.
I love them, but I don't give a hoot what they think. I care what Michael Masterson, Don Mahoney, and Paul Hollingshead think. I want to know what Dan Kennedy, Herschell Gordon Lewis and Bob Bly think. I want to know what Joshua Boswell thinks. Why? Because they have done what I want to do.
Billionaire J. Paul Getty said it best, "The easiest way to get rich is to find somebody who is rich and do what they did."
Don't follow anyone who isn't going places. With some people you merely spend an evening – with others you invest it.
If You're at a Crossroads, You're in Good Company
It's not what the naysayers say that is important, it's what you believe that really counts. So let me ask you, what do you believe?
Maybe you're at a crossroads and not sure if you can do it or not. That's okay. Look at some folks who got off to a slow start, had more than their share of detractors, and still did okay:
Albert Einstein didn't speak until he was nearly 5 years old and was considered "mentally slow."
The inventor of the steam engine, James Watt, was declared "dull and inept."
Cartoonist Walt Disney was fired from his first job because he "had no imagination."
Inventor Thomas Edison was kicked out of school at age 9 because he was at the bottom of his class.
Basketball legend Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team.
Sometimes the experts – and other well-meaning people – are misguided in their efforts or just plain wrong in their thinking. And then there are some people who are just stuck on stupid.
You can measure IQ, but not "want to." It's not the size of the dog in the fight that's important, it's the size of the fight in the dog. They can measure the size your head but not size of the dream in your heart.
So follow your heart as you use your head to develop skills and talents. There is nothing that an inspired you cannot accomplish.
One Last Question …
Are you on course toward your goals, or is the "FUD Factor' (Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt) casting a shadow on your direction?
In 1492, despite repeated setbacks, and in the face of conventional wisdom, Christopher Columbus set his course in the direction that his own inspiration and intelligence led him to believe was the right one.
During his quest across the dangerous and uncharted North Atlantic, he wrote these words in his private log, "This day, we sailed on."
He knew that a ship in port is usually safe … but that's not what ships are built for. What are you built for? What great accomplishments are yours to fulfill?
Invest the time NOW to renew your commitment to overcoming past failures, including the fears, uncertainty and doubt placed there by the conventional wisdom of unqualified, negative people.
Go ahead and give yourself a chance to succeed by taking another shot – or two, or three. It's not over 'til you win. Chart a bold course for yourself and sail on! Who knows? One more effort might be all it takes to get you back on course to your own New World.
And One Final Thought …
People are like rubber bands. A rubber band, lying around on a desk somewhere doesn't do anything. But once picked up and stretched, it becomes useful. Once stretched and let go, it gains the potential to fly over much greater distances than before.
It is only when you stretch yourself that you begin to discover your ability to fly much farther than you might have imagined.
Are you stretching yourself? You have an unparalleled opportunity to surround yourself with people who can help your writing career take a quantum leap forward … people you can dream aloud in front of … people who can bring out the best in you.
I'm talking about AWAI's 2009 FastTrack to Copywriting Success Bootcamp and Job Fair – where a single conversation with the right person can be more valuable to you than many years of study.
Self-made billionaire J. Paul Getty once observed that your income will be the average of income of the five people with whom you associate most closely. Maybe it's time for you to stretch yourself and get some new friends. Sign up for Bootcamp while there are still slots available. I'm going to be there. Don't delay – sign up now!
Special Offer: To hear Tom's business-building insights and advice every Tuesday, sign up a free subscription to Spare-Time Biz Success.
Some folks have a perpetually positive attitude and are natural motivators. Others are so negative they brighten a room just by leaving it.
The simple but true fact of life is that you become like those with whom you associate most closely – for good or bad. Sometimes it's better to be alone than in the wrong company.
A quick story …
It was great to be home! I'd been living and working in Europe for two years and this was my first vacation.
We were sitting around the dinner table talking and laughing – having a great time really. Right up until I dropped the bomb.
"I'm going to take up skydiving."
It was like somebody had hit the "Pause" button. Everybody froze.
My mother, my brother and my twenty or thirty assorted aunts, uncles and cousins all asked – almost as one – "Are you out of your mind?"
They then proceeded to tell me every single "Crash and Burn, Death by Falling" story the world has ever known. The funny thing is none of them were skydivers.
Today I have 135 or so parachute jumps under my belt. That's not a lot by some standards, but it's okay for me.
I've jumped out of helicopters, hot air balloons, jets and prop jobs … I've jumped from as low as 1,500 feet and from as high as 21,000 feet … I've jumped static-line and free-fall … and I've often thought back to that night around the dinner table. How much I would have missed, had I let my family steal my dream!
The Only Expert About You is You!
I have discovered that an important characteristic of successful people is their impatience with negative thinking and negative acting people.
Anytime you try to pull ahead of the pack and accomplish something great, there will undoubtedly be people who don't think you can do it. Such naysayers are all too common.
Some of your friends will not want you to go on. They will want you to stay where they are. Friends that don't help you to climb will make you crawl, if you let them. Your friends will either stretch your vision or choke your dream. Those that don't increase you will eventually decrease you.
So never receive counsel from unproductive people – they are not qualified to comment.
On The Road to Success, Be Careful Who You Ask for Directions
If your doctor told you that you needed an operation, you'd probably want to get a second opinion before undergoing surgery. Who would you ask? Your auto mechanic? Your brother, the fireman? Maybe Aunt Gladys? Of course not! You'd ask another doctor – somebody who knows something about medicine.
Never discuss your problems with someone incapable of contributing to the solution, because those who never succeeded themselves are always the first to tell you how. Not everyone has a right to speak into your life. You'll always get the worst of the bargain if you exchange ideas with the wrong person.
When I was thinking about quitting my job as a business consultant and going full time as a copywriter, my family told me they thought I was crazy – again.
I love them, but I don't give a hoot what they think. I care what Michael Masterson, Don Mahoney, and Paul Hollingshead think. I want to know what Dan Kennedy, Herschell Gordon Lewis and Bob Bly think. I want to know what Joshua Boswell thinks. Why? Because they have done what I want to do.
Billionaire J. Paul Getty said it best, "The easiest way to get rich is to find somebody who is rich and do what they did."
Don't follow anyone who isn't going places. With some people you merely spend an evening – with others you invest it.
If You're at a Crossroads, You're in Good Company
It's not what the naysayers say that is important, it's what you believe that really counts. So let me ask you, what do you believe?
Maybe you're at a crossroads and not sure if you can do it or not. That's okay. Look at some folks who got off to a slow start, had more than their share of detractors, and still did okay:
Albert Einstein didn't speak until he was nearly 5 years old and was considered "mentally slow."
The inventor of the steam engine, James Watt, was declared "dull and inept."
Cartoonist Walt Disney was fired from his first job because he "had no imagination."
Inventor Thomas Edison was kicked out of school at age 9 because he was at the bottom of his class.
Basketball legend Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team.
Sometimes the experts – and other well-meaning people – are misguided in their efforts or just plain wrong in their thinking. And then there are some people who are just stuck on stupid.
You can measure IQ, but not "want to." It's not the size of the dog in the fight that's important, it's the size of the fight in the dog. They can measure the size your head but not size of the dream in your heart.
So follow your heart as you use your head to develop skills and talents. There is nothing that an inspired you cannot accomplish.
One Last Question …
Are you on course toward your goals, or is the "FUD Factor' (Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt) casting a shadow on your direction?
In 1492, despite repeated setbacks, and in the face of conventional wisdom, Christopher Columbus set his course in the direction that his own inspiration and intelligence led him to believe was the right one.
During his quest across the dangerous and uncharted North Atlantic, he wrote these words in his private log, "This day, we sailed on."
He knew that a ship in port is usually safe … but that's not what ships are built for. What are you built for? What great accomplishments are yours to fulfill?
Invest the time NOW to renew your commitment to overcoming past failures, including the fears, uncertainty and doubt placed there by the conventional wisdom of unqualified, negative people.
Go ahead and give yourself a chance to succeed by taking another shot – or two, or three. It's not over 'til you win. Chart a bold course for yourself and sail on! Who knows? One more effort might be all it takes to get you back on course to your own New World.
And One Final Thought …
People are like rubber bands. A rubber band, lying around on a desk somewhere doesn't do anything. But once picked up and stretched, it becomes useful. Once stretched and let go, it gains the potential to fly over much greater distances than before.
It is only when you stretch yourself that you begin to discover your ability to fly much farther than you might have imagined.
Are you stretching yourself? You have an unparalleled opportunity to surround yourself with people who can help your writing career take a quantum leap forward … people you can dream aloud in front of … people who can bring out the best in you.
I'm talking about AWAI's 2009 FastTrack to Copywriting Success Bootcamp and Job Fair – where a single conversation with the right person can be more valuable to you than many years of study.
Self-made billionaire J. Paul Getty once observed that your income will be the average of income of the five people with whom you associate most closely. Maybe it's time for you to stretch yourself and get some new friends. Sign up for Bootcamp while there are still slots available. I'm going to be there. Don't delay – sign up now!
Special Offer: To hear Tom's business-building insights and advice every Tuesday, sign up a free subscription to Spare-Time Biz Success.
This article appears courtesy of American Writers & Artists Inc.’s (AWAI) The Golden Thread, a free newsletter that delivers original, no-nonsense advice on the best wealth careers, lifestyle careers and work-at-home careers available. For a complimentary subscription, visit http://www.blogger.com/signup/."
________________________________
Khadija speaking: Sales pitch aside, this essay has a LOT of valuable food for thought. I hope you'll take the time to seriously consider some of the points the author raised.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Black Women: Why Do You Let "Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima, and Mei Ling" Indirectly Pimp YOU?
I'm going to say some things the plain and "rough" way here.
I don't care if African-American men choose non-Black women [also known as "Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima, and Mei Ling"] as wives. I don't care if, like so many Black male celebrities and other prominent Black men, they give practically ALL their personal worldly goods to these non-Black women and their non-Black in-laws. That's the great thing about freedom. We're ALL free to do as we please.
I don't care if "Becky" and other non-Black women take these Black men for all they are worth---like Michael Strahan's White ex-wife. "Becky and the girls" often feel that they need to get all they can get from any man, including Black men. Becky and the girls have NO confusion about expecting men to protect and provide WELL for them and their children. And I notice that nobody begrudges these non-Black women for getting all that they can get. I don't begrudge them either. None of this is my concern. I don't have an issue with that aspect of these scenarios.
My issue is this: African-American Women, why are YOU subsidizing Becky and these other women? I'm wondering what's wrong with YOU?
What's wrong with some of you? Don't you understand that when you support a Black male who's hooked up to Becky, etc., you're also subsidizing Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima, and Mei Ling? And in some cases, you are using your hard-earned-from-working-a-job money to subsidize a life of leisure for Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima and Mei Ling. She's getting a pedicure and a massage while you're beating the streets going to a job.
What's wrong with some of you, that you let another woman indirectly pimp you? "Tyrone" can give all the money and resources he wants to give to these women---he just needs to get these resources from somebody other than me! When you give something to Tyrone---so he can give it to Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima, and Mei Ling---you are actually giving to Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima, and Mei Ling. She's living large on YOUR dime! Why don't some of you understand this? What's wrong with you?
I don't care where Becky and the girls get their sustenance from, as long as it's NOT coming from me. It's NOT in my interests to subsidize non-Black women and their children. If my resources are ultimately going to be used to support a woman, then I want that woman to be African-American like me.
Some of you are silly enough to call yourself "enlightened" in that you don't care that Tyrone is using the resources YOU give him to support Becky and the girls. I say that you're a fool. Some of you are giving to Tyrone---so he can give to Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima, and Mei Ling---while YOU and YOUR children are suffering. What's wrong with you?
I don't care if African-American men choose non-Black women [also known as "Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima, and Mei Ling"] as wives. I don't care if, like so many Black male celebrities and other prominent Black men, they give practically ALL their personal worldly goods to these non-Black women and their non-Black in-laws. That's the great thing about freedom. We're ALL free to do as we please.
I don't care if "Becky" and other non-Black women take these Black men for all they are worth---like Michael Strahan's White ex-wife. "Becky and the girls" often feel that they need to get all they can get from any man, including Black men. Becky and the girls have NO confusion about expecting men to protect and provide WELL for them and their children. And I notice that nobody begrudges these non-Black women for getting all that they can get. I don't begrudge them either. None of this is my concern. I don't have an issue with that aspect of these scenarios.
My issue is this: African-American Women, why are YOU subsidizing Becky and these other women? I'm wondering what's wrong with YOU?
What's wrong with some of you? Don't you understand that when you support a Black male who's hooked up to Becky, etc., you're also subsidizing Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima, and Mei Ling? And in some cases, you are using your hard-earned-from-working-a-job money to subsidize a life of leisure for Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima and Mei Ling. She's getting a pedicure and a massage while you're beating the streets going to a job.
What's wrong with some of you, that you let another woman indirectly pimp you? "Tyrone" can give all the money and resources he wants to give to these women---he just needs to get these resources from somebody other than me! When you give something to Tyrone---so he can give it to Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima, and Mei Ling---you are actually giving to Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima, and Mei Ling. She's living large on YOUR dime! Why don't some of you understand this? What's wrong with you?
I don't care where Becky and the girls get their sustenance from, as long as it's NOT coming from me. It's NOT in my interests to subsidize non-Black women and their children. If my resources are ultimately going to be used to support a woman, then I want that woman to be African-American like me.
Some of you are silly enough to call yourself "enlightened" in that you don't care that Tyrone is using the resources YOU give him to support Becky and the girls. I say that you're a fool. Some of you are giving to Tyrone---so he can give to Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima, and Mei Ling---while YOU and YOUR children are suffering. What's wrong with you?
This idiotic behavior of supporting people who don't support you is a large part of why you and your Black children are suffering.
Anyway, The Reader's Money Quote is a statement that is of such insight and importance that it merits frequent and loud repetition. This Reader's Money Quotes are from Evia, blog host of Black Female Interracial Marriage Ezine http://www.blackfemaleinterracialmarriage.com/. Evia said the following during a recent post (my comments leading up to hers are in blue):
". . . Oh yeah, Mr. Jones is within his rights and may the force be with him and his family.
Here's my issue: African-American women have been programmed to rally around every random BM who gets into trouble with Whites---under the assumption that these men are somehow ENTITLED to support from AA women.
When a BM takes ALL of HIS personal worldly goods---
---(some of which were surely gained with the support or at least the encouragement of BW---think of how so many BW in the church raise money to support BM college students with stipends, etc.)---
---and gives them to a non-Black woman that he chose as his wife, then I lose interest in what happens to him.
I don't count what such a BM raises for charity, because those resources raised by charity are NOT his personal resources. It's all fine and good to give other people's donations away to Black folks. I want to see what a person does with THEIR OWN "stuff." That's the measure of what they truly value.
This is why, for all of his problems---and allegedly being a sexual predator who uses date-rape drugs on women is MONSTROUS---I have to give Bill Cosby credit where it is due for his donations. This is because Dr. Cosby came out of his OWN pocket to give that money to some HBCUs.
So, I'm not inclined to care about Van Jones and his travails. His White wife needs to speak up and speak out for him---just like Skip Gates' White wife should have been the one screaming in public over his problems. NOT AA women. Peace, blessings and solidarity.
. . . That's my issue. Don't do the OJ, Michael Jackson, etc. routine of you only come running back to AAs (translation = the AA women who form the majority of the footsoldiers for AA organizations other than the Nation of Islam) when you're in trouble with Whites. If you're "post-racial," STAY post-racial---even after the agent of White racism knocks you in the head.
I'm also sick of this Pavlov's dogs type of reaction. And as you noted, there is NO reciprocity when it comes to addressing AA women's suffering. If AA women are stupid enough to keep blindly supporting BM who don't support them, then they get what they deserve. "Fool me twice, shame on me."
----------------------------------------
No, Troll... I'm not talking about "sharing."
I'm talking about reciprocity. I'm just doing what these particular BM did. I'm taking a page out of these BM's book and following their example.
These BM are not under any obligation to give their personal worldly goods to a BW as their wife. This door of non-support swings both ways. This means that I'm also not under any obligation to give any of my resources to these men, including political support.
Van Jones, etc. took their personal worldly goods and DIVERTED these resources AWAY from BW (and toward non-Black women). In reciprocity, that means that I also have the right to DIVERT my personal resources (including my concern) AWAY from these particular BM, and toward somebody else of my choosing.
The door swings both ways. What's okay for these BM is also okay for BW. It's very simple. AA males are spoiled, and used to having it both ways---that they take their resources to non-Black women, while still expecting to receive resources from AA women. Ummm...no. Those days are over for increasing numbers of AA women. Good day.
---------------------------------------
. . . Halima pretty much summed up my thoughts about Michael Jackson in the post I linked to in the addendum to this post. My bottom line is that when it came to selecting women to reap whatever benefits (monetary and otherwise) came from being the mothers of his children, Michael Jackson selected a series of WW. When it came to selecting women to do the HARD WORK and HEAVY LIFTING of actually caring for these children, he selected BW as the workhorses. So, I'm not feeling Michael Jackson. Peace, blessings and solidarity.
. . . My issue isn't particularly about this Van Jones character. I barely know who he is. I don't pay any attention to any BM unless that man has PROVEN himself to be of value to AA women. I've only heard of him because I've heard a number of foolish AA women worrying themselves about his fate. That's why I looked him up in the first place.
So, I've been emailing and passing out copies of his family photo to the AA women I've heard getting themselves into a froth about his travails. I've found that having these women actually LOOK at this picture cuts through a lot of foolish talk. A picture IS worth 1,000 words! LOL! Ladies, please email and show copies of this picture to the AA women you know who are worrying about this Van Jones individual!
I don't understand why more AA women haven't noticed the general pattern of "the 'Blacker' the talk, the Whiter the wife." I also don't understand what it'll take for more AA women to stop having these knee-jerk "rally around the random Negro male who is of UNKNOWN/LOW/NO value to BW" responses.
If it's "Fool me twice, shame on me," what is it after "Fool me DOZENS of times..." (the Black Panthers, Harry Belafonte, Julian Bond, Amiri Baraka, OJ, Michael Jackson, Skip Gates, Clarence Thomas, etc., and now this Van Jones character)? Peace, blessings and solidarity."
Evia said:
"Khadija, I had never heard of Van Jones either until I heard bw talking about him a few days ago, saying he was being attacked by "de evil wm." The second I heard what his position was, I would have bet a very huge amount of money that he either dated non-bw exclusively or that he was married to a non-bw.
There IS a pattern here, yet so many bm think they're duping others by claiming they just "fell in love" with a non-bw. Well, they actually are duping the masses of AA women, but no one else. So many gaslighted bw will go around like zombies saying, "Well, love is just love" or "You can't help who you love," when it comes to AA men. That's another form of bm protection. I mean, if that's TRUE and bm can't help who THEY love, then why is it that so many AA [women] obviously can stop themselves from loving wm?
PREDICTION: I want any bw reading this to just know that virtually ANY bm who she knows who is upwardly-mobile IS on his way to a non-bw if it's at all possible. He may be your son, your brother, cousin, young man at your church, but IF he's upwardly mobile, he more than likely is going to share his upward mobility with a non-bw. I'm not talking about those "struggling" or defeated bm; I'm talking about the ones who more than likely are going to do okay.
Knowing this, you, as an AA woman, need to decide how much you're willing to invest in creating a non-bw's comfortable lifestyle because whatever you do to help him, he's going to share it with her--if it's within his environment to do so.
It's not the non-bw's fault though; it's mainly bw's fault for not demanding reciprocity from bm and for continuing to invest in the well-being of others while her own daughters perish. [Khadija speaking: Exactly. I don't blame Becky and the girls, I blame African-American women for being silly enough to knowingly subsidize these women while they and their children perish.]
You may not care about that, but don't act surprised about any of this because it doesn't make bw look smart--since other folks can clearly see the pattern. If you haven't seen this pattern, ask yourself why you haven't.
This is not about bw's "attitude" and nothing to do with bw having "too much education," or any of the usual excuses that AA males give.
These males PREFER non-bw, which is their perogative as long as they don't get any investment, support, or protection from bw. That's the critical piece here: the MONEY TRAIL. Bw--GET SHREWD! Always follow the money trail! Do not invest in lifting up a bm unless he knows there are strings attached and only if you're going to be able to collect. [Khadija speaking: This is the most important point about all of this. That is, if African-American women want to start living the way other women are living in this country. We're going to have to learn how to set basic, normal, human standards for our participation and support.]
If we were to look into this man's past, we would see where it was mainly countless bw's time, energy, money, guidance, and protection that put him in his position. We definitely know that it wasn't any other group of women who lifted him up.
As an aside, regarding the complaint that many bm give these days that bw have/pursue too much education, isn't it just obvious that there are PLENTY of AA women who have never set foot in a college? Just google the stats. Yet these male do NOT pursue those women to marry EITHER. I never hear bw rebut that paper-thin excuse by pointing that out.
Also, there are PLENTY of AA women who like to cook and would love to be stay-at-home-moms. They would not be fighting any man over a job. These women WANT to play the woman's traditional role as long as the man can and will play the male's traditional role. Yet AA males constantly complain that AA women don't know how or won't cook and/or don't want to play the traditional role. Bw never rebut that paper-thin excuse either.
From my viewpoint and experience, AA women don't ask for much AT ALL compared to other groups of women I've lived among. Just talk to wm and African men about what ww, African women, and other groups of women require from them."
Khadija speaking: Well, I feel that African-American women need to stop talking to (and debating with) Black men who hate them in the first place. And start acting in their own best interests. One such interest is to only support people who give reciprocal support.
Evia, THANK YOU for contributing yet another Reader's Money Quote!
***Audience Note*** NO anonymous comments will be posted for this conversation.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words: Another One Of The Black Men That Black Women BLINDLY Rush To Support-Van Jones and Family
A family photo from Mr. Jones' Facebook page.Too many African-American women have the knee-jerk habit of blindly running to support any and all African-American males who are in trouble with Whites. You need to STOP doing that. It would better serve your interests if you learned how to take a breath, take a step back, and carefully consider whether or not the current "Black male who's in trouble with White folks" is of any real value to you before you respond.
You also need to STOP assuming that there's automatically some sort of connection between you and random African-American males. There is NO automatic connection anymore. African-American men destroyed that connection by their behavior decades ago. 'Nuff said. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Van-Jones/30042869909
***Addendum*** My main point with this is something that another blogger named Halima Anderson explained in this excellent post: http://dateawhiteguy.blogspot.com/2009/07/give-it-up-or-embrace-fruits-thereof.html
You need to understand that many African-American men are assigning YOU demeaning roles and reduced status based upon White supremacy.
This means that for many African-American males, when it comes to choosing a woman to protect and provide for they select non-Black women* as the women they pamper. But when it comes to looking for a woman to rescue them and do heavy lifting, THEN these same men look to YOU. And you cooperate with this workhorse status when you support these males!
Halima gave the excellent example of contrasting who Michael Jackson selected to reap the benefits (monetary and otherwise) of being the "mommies" of his children (a series of White women), versus who he selected to do the hard work and heavy lifting of being the "mammies" (actual caretakers) of his children (a series of Black women).
[*Also known as "Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima, and Mei Ling." LOL!]
***Audience Note*** NO anonymous comments will be published for this post.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Let's Get Serious About Vetting Men, Part 3: Screen OUT Men Who Say That Women Won't "Let" Them Be Men, Gentlemen, Etc.
George Orwell said, "To see what is in front of one's nose requires a constant struggle.'' Indeed, it often does.
As we continue along with this series, one thing you'll notice is that I'm talking about objective traits here---things that have NOTHING to do with race, color, ethnicity, religion, or other trivialities.
I'm talking about UNIVERSAL standards of quality versus lack of quality. Universal standards that women from every ethnic group (other than African-American women) have always applied. Universal standards that have stood the test of time. Any African-American woman who wants a good life for herself and her children will have to start using universal standards for screening men as potential husbands and fathers. And stop grading African-American men (or anybody else) on a curve. I will note that nobody is grading you on a curve.
Another thing you'll notice is that the traits that mark inferior men often go hand-in-hand, and reinforce each other. When you screen out a man based upon one low-quality trait, you're usually screening out a man who has a cluster of other inferior traits---some of which you simply haven't found out about yet.
As we discussed in Part 1 of this series, a woman is inviting trouble and a LOW quality of life for her unborn children when she chooses a fatherless man as a husband. As we'll see during this conversation, a woman is inviting trouble, and a LOW quality of life for her unborn children, when she chooses a man who makes the following sorts of statements:
"Women won't LET. . .
. . . a man be a man.
. . . me be a man.
. . . a man be a gentleman.
. . . me be a gentleman."
These sorts of statements reflect an overall mindset. A weak and conquered one. A mindset that makes it extremely unlikely for the man speaking this weakness to be an effective protector and provider for any woman who's foolish enough to try to build a family with him. A mindset that is the very opposite of a quality man's mindset.
First of all, somebody who's telling you that somebody else (whoever it may be---women, men from other ethnic/racial groups, the Devil, etc.) won't "LET" him be a man, gentleman, etc. is already telling you that he's NOT a man or gentleman, etc. Why would you waste time with somebody who's telling you up front that he's not a man or a gentleman?
Secondly, the man who speaks this sort of weakness has surrendered control over his manhood, his status as a gentleman, etc. to somebody else! You need to ask yourself: What else has he surrendered control over?
The men who speak the "women won't 'let' me be a man, etc." weakness are often the same men who say that other people:
. . . won't "let" them earn a living.
. . . won't "let" them get an education.
. . . won't "let them learn a trade.
. . . won't "let" them learn a skill.
Even more dangerous for your unborn children, these also tend to be the men who say that "_________ (fill in the blank other persons--the children's mothers, the White man, the Devil, whoever) won't 'LET' them be fathers to their own children"!
A Powerless Man OR An Effective Man As The Father Of YOUR Children: It's Your Choice
Do you really want a man with a powerless mindset to be the father of YOUR children? Not if you have any sense.
Quality Men Have Self-Efficacy---The Belief That They Can Make Things Happen
African-Americans with "old-school" values don't need to administer a psychological test to measure these sorts of things---we know "weak-minded" folks when we see and hear them! LOL! But since so many modern African-Americans have never been exposed to "old-school" ways of recognizing inferior traits, I feel the need to discuss one modern, scientific measure in detail.
There are psychological tests that measure this trait. One of them is called The General Self-Efficacy Scale (GSE). The scale was created to assess a general sense of perceived self-efficacy with the aim of predicting a person's ability to cope with daily hassles as well as adaptation after experiencing stressful life events.
The scale is usually self-administered, as part of a more comprehensive questionnaire. Preferably, the 10 items are mixed in with a larger set of questions. Responses are made on a 4-point scale. The responses to all 10 items are added to yield the final composite score, which can range from 10 to 40. The person chooses a numbered response to describe how accurately the item describes their beliefs about themselves.
Here are the 10 statements that people are asked to rank in terms of how much these statements describe themselves (1 = Not at all true; 2 = Hardly true; 3 = Moderately true; 4 = Exactly true):
(1) I can always manage to solve difficult problems if I try hard enough.
(2) If someone opposes me, I can find the means and ways to get what I want.
(3) It is easy for me to stick to my aims and accomplish my goals.
(4) I am confident that I could deal efficiently with unexpected events.
(5) Thanks to my resourcefulness, I know how to handle unforeseen situations.
(6) I can solve most problems if I invest the necessary effort.
(7) I can remain calm when facing difficulties because I can rely on my coping abilities.
(8) When I am confronted with a problem, I can usually find several solutions.
(9) If I am in trouble, I can usually think of a solution.
(10) I can usually handle whatever comes my way.
Is believing that "women won't let me be a man/gentleman" consistent with having the "I can make things happen" mindset of the above 10 statements? NO, it's not. A man believing that women (or anybody else) control his manhood, etc. is the exact opposite of having the above-listed beliefs. That sort of mental weakness is the very opposite of having any self-efficacy.
A sensible woman will choose a husband who knows that he can make good things happen for his family.
More About Self-Efficacy
" . . . there is a difference between possessing skills and being able to use them well and consistently under difficult circumstances. Success requires not only skills but also strong self-belief in one's capabilities to exercise control over events to accomplish desired goals. People with the same skills may, therefore, perform poorly, adequately, or extraordinarily, depending on whether their self-beliefs of efficacy enhance or impair their motivation and problem-solving efforts."
"Organizational Applications of Social Cognitive Theory," Dr. Albert Bandura, Australian Journal of Management, December 1988, pg. 279.
"People's beliefs about their capabilities can effect their lives in many ways. Such self-beliefs influence: the kinds of choices they make; how much effort they will put forth in what they do; how long they will persevere in the face of difficulties and setbacks; their resilience and bounce-back capacity after suffering failures or setbacks; and whether their thought patterns are self-hindering or self-aiding. People with a strong sense of efficacy focus their attention on how to master tasks. " Id. at pg. 280.
"People's self-beliefs of efficacy determine how much effort they will exert in an endeavor and how long they will persevere in the face of obstacles. The stronger the belief in their capabilities, the greater and more persistent are their efforts. When faced with difficulties, people who have self-doubts about their capabilities reduce their efforts and settle for mediocre solutions or give up altogether, whereas those who have a strong belief in their capabilities exert greater effort to master the challenge.
Strong perseverance usually pays off in performance attainments. Because knowledge and competencies are achieved by sustained effort, people who give up easily because they disbelieve their capabilities make poor use of their talents and give up a good deal of control over their lives." Id. at 283-284 (emphasis added).
Bottom Line: You DON'T want a mentally weak man to be the father of your children. Ladies, when you hear a man speaking weakness and powerlessness, just walk away.
Don't get angry or argue with the men who speak that "women won't let me be a man, gentleman, etc." weakness out loud. Be happy that these men are "telling on themselves" so you can quickly eliminate them from the list of potential husbands and fathers. There's no time to waste. Seek out quality men who have a mindset of self-efficacy.
***Audience Note*** NO anonymous comments will be posted for this discussion.
As we continue along with this series, one thing you'll notice is that I'm talking about objective traits here---things that have NOTHING to do with race, color, ethnicity, religion, or other trivialities.
I'm talking about UNIVERSAL standards of quality versus lack of quality. Universal standards that women from every ethnic group (other than African-American women) have always applied. Universal standards that have stood the test of time. Any African-American woman who wants a good life for herself and her children will have to start using universal standards for screening men as potential husbands and fathers. And stop grading African-American men (or anybody else) on a curve. I will note that nobody is grading you on a curve.
Another thing you'll notice is that the traits that mark inferior men often go hand-in-hand, and reinforce each other. When you screen out a man based upon one low-quality trait, you're usually screening out a man who has a cluster of other inferior traits---some of which you simply haven't found out about yet.
As we discussed in Part 1 of this series, a woman is inviting trouble and a LOW quality of life for her unborn children when she chooses a fatherless man as a husband. As we'll see during this conversation, a woman is inviting trouble, and a LOW quality of life for her unborn children, when she chooses a man who makes the following sorts of statements:
"Women won't LET. . .
. . . a man be a man.
. . . me be a man.
. . . a man be a gentleman.
. . . me be a gentleman."
These sorts of statements reflect an overall mindset. A weak and conquered one. A mindset that makes it extremely unlikely for the man speaking this weakness to be an effective protector and provider for any woman who's foolish enough to try to build a family with him. A mindset that is the very opposite of a quality man's mindset.
First of all, somebody who's telling you that somebody else (whoever it may be---women, men from other ethnic/racial groups, the Devil, etc.) won't "LET" him be a man, gentleman, etc. is already telling you that he's NOT a man or gentleman, etc. Why would you waste time with somebody who's telling you up front that he's not a man or a gentleman?
Secondly, the man who speaks this sort of weakness has surrendered control over his manhood, his status as a gentleman, etc. to somebody else! You need to ask yourself: What else has he surrendered control over?
The men who speak the "women won't 'let' me be a man, etc." weakness are often the same men who say that other people:
. . . won't "let" them earn a living.
. . . won't "let" them get an education.
. . . won't "let them learn a trade.
. . . won't "let" them learn a skill.
Even more dangerous for your unborn children, these also tend to be the men who say that "_________ (fill in the blank other persons--the children's mothers, the White man, the Devil, whoever) won't 'LET' them be fathers to their own children"!
A Powerless Man OR An Effective Man As The Father Of YOUR Children: It's Your Choice
Do you really want a man with a powerless mindset to be the father of YOUR children? Not if you have any sense.
Quality Men Have Self-Efficacy---The Belief That They Can Make Things Happen
African-Americans with "old-school" values don't need to administer a psychological test to measure these sorts of things---we know "weak-minded" folks when we see and hear them! LOL! But since so many modern African-Americans have never been exposed to "old-school" ways of recognizing inferior traits, I feel the need to discuss one modern, scientific measure in detail.
There are psychological tests that measure this trait. One of them is called The General Self-Efficacy Scale (GSE). The scale was created to assess a general sense of perceived self-efficacy with the aim of predicting a person's ability to cope with daily hassles as well as adaptation after experiencing stressful life events.
The scale is usually self-administered, as part of a more comprehensive questionnaire. Preferably, the 10 items are mixed in with a larger set of questions. Responses are made on a 4-point scale. The responses to all 10 items are added to yield the final composite score, which can range from 10 to 40. The person chooses a numbered response to describe how accurately the item describes their beliefs about themselves.
Here are the 10 statements that people are asked to rank in terms of how much these statements describe themselves (1 = Not at all true; 2 = Hardly true; 3 = Moderately true; 4 = Exactly true):
(1) I can always manage to solve difficult problems if I try hard enough.
(2) If someone opposes me, I can find the means and ways to get what I want.
(3) It is easy for me to stick to my aims and accomplish my goals.
(4) I am confident that I could deal efficiently with unexpected events.
(5) Thanks to my resourcefulness, I know how to handle unforeseen situations.
(6) I can solve most problems if I invest the necessary effort.
(7) I can remain calm when facing difficulties because I can rely on my coping abilities.
(8) When I am confronted with a problem, I can usually find several solutions.
(9) If I am in trouble, I can usually think of a solution.
(10) I can usually handle whatever comes my way.
Is believing that "women won't let me be a man/gentleman" consistent with having the "I can make things happen" mindset of the above 10 statements? NO, it's not. A man believing that women (or anybody else) control his manhood, etc. is the exact opposite of having the above-listed beliefs. That sort of mental weakness is the very opposite of having any self-efficacy.
A sensible woman will choose a husband who knows that he can make good things happen for his family.
More About Self-Efficacy
" . . . there is a difference between possessing skills and being able to use them well and consistently under difficult circumstances. Success requires not only skills but also strong self-belief in one's capabilities to exercise control over events to accomplish desired goals. People with the same skills may, therefore, perform poorly, adequately, or extraordinarily, depending on whether their self-beliefs of efficacy enhance or impair their motivation and problem-solving efforts."
"Organizational Applications of Social Cognitive Theory," Dr. Albert Bandura, Australian Journal of Management, December 1988, pg. 279.
"People's beliefs about their capabilities can effect their lives in many ways. Such self-beliefs influence: the kinds of choices they make; how much effort they will put forth in what they do; how long they will persevere in the face of difficulties and setbacks; their resilience and bounce-back capacity after suffering failures or setbacks; and whether their thought patterns are self-hindering or self-aiding. People with a strong sense of efficacy focus their attention on how to master tasks. " Id. at pg. 280.
"People's self-beliefs of efficacy determine how much effort they will exert in an endeavor and how long they will persevere in the face of obstacles. The stronger the belief in their capabilities, the greater and more persistent are their efforts. When faced with difficulties, people who have self-doubts about their capabilities reduce their efforts and settle for mediocre solutions or give up altogether, whereas those who have a strong belief in their capabilities exert greater effort to master the challenge.
Strong perseverance usually pays off in performance attainments. Because knowledge and competencies are achieved by sustained effort, people who give up easily because they disbelieve their capabilities make poor use of their talents and give up a good deal of control over their lives." Id. at 283-284 (emphasis added).
Bottom Line: You DON'T want a mentally weak man to be the father of your children. Ladies, when you hear a man speaking weakness and powerlessness, just walk away.
Don't get angry or argue with the men who speak that "women won't let me be a man, gentleman, etc." weakness out loud. Be happy that these men are "telling on themselves" so you can quickly eliminate them from the list of potential husbands and fathers. There's no time to waste. Seek out quality men who have a mindset of self-efficacy.
***Audience Note*** NO anonymous comments will be posted for this discussion.
Monday, September 7, 2009
The Time To Act Is Now
The time to act is now.
Several Black Women's Empowerment blogs are providing you with excellent opportunities to brainstorm things that many of you can't discuss anywhere else. And to have these discussions in a supportive, encouraging environment that doesn't exist in many other places.
The people who've taken the time and energy to provide these services won't do so forever.
The people who've been warning you about the Rwanda-style meltdowns that are coming soon to an all-Black residential area near you won't do so forever. You've been warned to build your own ark, or find a seat on somebody else's ark, if you want to survive and thrive.
Throughout history, no matter what the event, there have always been the smaller group of people who were relatively safe and comfortable while the masses of their group suffered. Preparation versus a lack of preparation is what usually separates the two groups. If you choose not to prepare, and choose not to respond to the warning, rest assured that there WON'T be any particular mercy or concern for you once the flood waters rise above your heads. Think quick: When was the last time YOU thought about the still-suffering people of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Part of the reason why I'm doing my part to sound the alarm now is so that my conscience will be totally clear when the final demise of the African-American collective arrives. Because once I finish my part of sounding the alarm, I'm NOT going to give any further thought to any of these avoidable tragedies.
Years ago, I stopped listening to the local news for this reason. And I rarely read the news clippings that people send me of the latest atrocities that are happening in Black residential areas. The pace and number of these atrocities will only increase until the final Rwanda-style meltdowns begin.
As far as I'm concerned, it's not productive to read or talk about any of that anymore---not unless somebody intends to do something concrete like organize fundraisers and other support for the victims. But doing something tangible is not our usual style. Most of us prefer to wring our hands and look for somebody else to address the problem. There's no more time for that. The only thing that matters is to get as far removed from striking distance of the Black underclass as possible.
I'm currently upgrading MY "ark" into a luxury cruise ark---"Sovereign of the Seas--LOL! I plan to sip sparkling apple cider on the deck of my cruise-ark while the hardheaded African-American masses (who failed to take heed of various warnings) drown in the flood waters. I will calmly sip my sparkling apple cider in the knowledge that I did my part to warn and assist them before the flood waters rose over their heads. That's all that anybody can do. As various ships pass each other, I hope to wave to you while you're relaxing on the deck of your ark as the Sojourners sail the seas in style!
***Addendum*** To help get your creative ideas flowing, now is a good time to revisit a couple of posts from January. "Wildest Dreams Checklikst: Start Asking Yourself EMPOWERING Questions" http://muslimbushido.blogspot.com/2009/01/wildest-dreams-checklist-start-asking.html and "Beverly is Living Out Her Wildest Dreams in Paris. What Are YOU Waiting For?" http://muslimbushido.blogspot.com/2009/01/beverly-is-living-out-her-wildest.html
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Let's Get Serious About Vetting Men, Part 2: The Deficits Created By Fatherlessness Are NOT "Equal" Between The Genders
During Part 1 of this series, I had the following exchange with a couple of readers that merits repetition on the blog's "front page" (my comments are in blue):
A reader named Jeanetta said:
"Thank you for your post, Khadija. I agree with the premise but wonder how a woman with a questionable family background of her own might go about securing a man with a more desirable family background.
I am the child of a fatherless father and a fatherless mother.(My paternal grandfather died when my dad was 2. My mother was the mistresses daughter.) My experience is that absence of a father impacted my mother's parenting skills and her relationship with my father as much as it impacted my father's parenting skills and his relationship with my mother.
How would you suggest that fatherless women successfully address the concerns that a man with a father (and his family) might have with her as a potential mate?"
A reader named Rainebeaux said:
"Khadija, I thank you profusely for this post. Of course, like KM and jeanetta, I'm sweating buckets re: meeting a man's standards with my background (absentee/deceased father, abysmal track record of marriage on mom's side; mom/dad never married, etc.)
Looking forward to future responses..."
In reply, I said:
"Jeanetta, I'm going to be blunt here, please bear with me. This is because time is VERY short for those few AA women who will make it out and create better futures for themselves and their children. So, there's no more time to beat around the bush or walk on eggshells about certain things.
RESPECTFULLY, the very premises and assumptions that seem to underlie your question show that you've been hoodwinked and bamboozled. Here's what I mean:
Unless you come from a family background of drug addicts and convicts, why would you think that YOU'RE in a comparable situation to a fatherless male when being evaluated?
It's interesting. Whenever deficits are discussed, AA male protectionists like to pretend that deficits are "equal" in how they play out for each gender. NO, they're not.
Unless their mothers were also absent (or negligent), most fatherless women have seen a woman (their own mothers) perform LARGE portions of a mother's role.
This means that fatherless women have learned most of the things that go into performing their OWN future role---the role of being a MOTHER.
Meanwhile, fatherless men have NOT seen a man perform ANY, much less large, portions of a father's role. This means that fatherless men have NOT learned most of the things that go into performing their OWN future role---the role of being a FATHER.
Now, fatherless women often have problems on the "wife front" (since they haven't seen that part of the role modeled), but they're much less likely to make FUNDAMENTAL errors in terms of knowing how to "mother" children. Because by watching their own mothers, they've seen up close and personal how "mothering" works in action.
This is in sharp contrast to the FUNDAMENTAL errors that many fatherless men make in terms of being a father to their own children (such as believing that minimal fatherhood duties are heroic expectations, and believing that weekend, long-distance, and tele-fathering is okay). They make these fundamental errors because they've never seen "fathering" in action.
So, Jeanetta,
If your mother worked for a living to put food on your table, etc...
If your mother kept you adequately bathed, clothed, and sheltered...
If your mother cooked for you...
If your mother combed your hair everyday...
If your mother helped you with your homework...
If your mother took care of your emotional needs...
If your mother did the million and one things that are involved in day to day child care and childrearing...
Then you have a pretty good idea of what's normal, and how to perform your future role as a mother!
The only thing that I could see raising a comparable number of red flags is if you DIDN'T have the opportunity while growing up to see how being a mother works on an everyday, up close and personal basis. This sort of thing generally only applies to girls who grow up with absent or negligent mothers (dope fiend mothers, convict mothers, lazy welfare queen mothers, etc.). Peace, blessings and solidarity."
In response, Rainebeaux said:
"Khadija: ohhhh...I've seen moms in action, doing same. Got it. It's mostly the BM--most of whom disqualify themselves, as you've touched on in the post--giving us this kind of grief, demanding that we jump through the flaming hoops! I see this more clearly now."
Yes, pretending that the effects of fatherlessness are somehow "equal" between genders is a dishonest trickbag.
A reader named Jeanetta said:
"Thank you for your post, Khadija. I agree with the premise but wonder how a woman with a questionable family background of her own might go about securing a man with a more desirable family background.
I am the child of a fatherless father and a fatherless mother.(My paternal grandfather died when my dad was 2. My mother was the mistresses daughter.) My experience is that absence of a father impacted my mother's parenting skills and her relationship with my father as much as it impacted my father's parenting skills and his relationship with my mother.
How would you suggest that fatherless women successfully address the concerns that a man with a father (and his family) might have with her as a potential mate?"
A reader named Rainebeaux said:
"Khadija, I thank you profusely for this post. Of course, like KM and jeanetta, I'm sweating buckets re: meeting a man's standards with my background (absentee/deceased father, abysmal track record of marriage on mom's side; mom/dad never married, etc.)
Looking forward to future responses..."
In reply, I said:
"Jeanetta, I'm going to be blunt here, please bear with me. This is because time is VERY short for those few AA women who will make it out and create better futures for themselves and their children. So, there's no more time to beat around the bush or walk on eggshells about certain things.
RESPECTFULLY, the very premises and assumptions that seem to underlie your question show that you've been hoodwinked and bamboozled. Here's what I mean:
Unless you come from a family background of drug addicts and convicts, why would you think that YOU'RE in a comparable situation to a fatherless male when being evaluated?
It's interesting. Whenever deficits are discussed, AA male protectionists like to pretend that deficits are "equal" in how they play out for each gender. NO, they're not.
Unless their mothers were also absent (or negligent), most fatherless women have seen a woman (their own mothers) perform LARGE portions of a mother's role.
This means that fatherless women have learned most of the things that go into performing their OWN future role---the role of being a MOTHER.
Meanwhile, fatherless men have NOT seen a man perform ANY, much less large, portions of a father's role. This means that fatherless men have NOT learned most of the things that go into performing their OWN future role---the role of being a FATHER.
Now, fatherless women often have problems on the "wife front" (since they haven't seen that part of the role modeled), but they're much less likely to make FUNDAMENTAL errors in terms of knowing how to "mother" children. Because by watching their own mothers, they've seen up close and personal how "mothering" works in action.
This is in sharp contrast to the FUNDAMENTAL errors that many fatherless men make in terms of being a father to their own children (such as believing that minimal fatherhood duties are heroic expectations, and believing that weekend, long-distance, and tele-fathering is okay). They make these fundamental errors because they've never seen "fathering" in action.
So, Jeanetta,
If your mother worked for a living to put food on your table, etc...
If your mother kept you adequately bathed, clothed, and sheltered...
If your mother cooked for you...
If your mother combed your hair everyday...
If your mother helped you with your homework...
If your mother took care of your emotional needs...
If your mother did the million and one things that are involved in day to day child care and childrearing...
Then you have a pretty good idea of what's normal, and how to perform your future role as a mother!
The only thing that I could see raising a comparable number of red flags is if you DIDN'T have the opportunity while growing up to see how being a mother works on an everyday, up close and personal basis. This sort of thing generally only applies to girls who grow up with absent or negligent mothers (dope fiend mothers, convict mothers, lazy welfare queen mothers, etc.). Peace, blessings and solidarity."
In response, Rainebeaux said:
"Khadija: ohhhh...I've seen moms in action, doing same. Got it. It's mostly the BM--most of whom disqualify themselves, as you've touched on in the post--giving us this kind of grief, demanding that we jump through the flaming hoops! I see this more clearly now."
Yes, pretending that the effects of fatherlessness are somehow "equal" between genders is a dishonest trickbag.
BOTTOM LINE: Ladies, STOP grading African-American men on a "curve," and START doing what's best for your future children! Nobody is grading you on a curve. And NO OTHER ethnic group of women on this planet grades men on a curve (including other types of Black women, such as African women). [The phrase "grading Black men on a curve" is borrowed from an extremely astute blogger named Focused Purpose. Thanks, Sis!]
***Audience Note*** Comments to this post are closed. Please post any comments to Part 1 of this series. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Let's Get Serious About Vetting Men, Part 1: Do You Really Want A Fatherless Man To Be The Father Of YOUR Children?
George Orwell said, "To see what is in front of one's nose requires a constant struggle.'' Indeed, it often does.
Since this is a meeting for current and aspiring Sojourners, I'm not going to even bother discussing the widely-known undesirables that any prudent woman would totally screen OUT of her romantic life such as convicts, drug users, and playboys.
Instead, let's talk about something that I hear very few African-American women mention when they discuss the husband potential of various men: whether or not these men grew up with a father or are fatherless.
I find this quite strange, because the composition of a date's family of origin is one of the first few questions that "old-school" African-American parents want answers to ("Who are his/her people?"). This is also one of the first few questions that many middle-class African-American parents will have about the people their children date. Parents from many other ethnic groups (such as African; Asian, including South Asian; and Middle Eastern) typically go even further with these inquiries. Parents from these groups tend to strongly discourage their children from dating people from broken or dysfunctional homes. They do this because they understand that their child isn't just marrying an individual, but is actually marrying and mating into another family's background.
Modern Western culture likes to characterize screening potential mates based upon their family of origin as intrusive and cruel, but it's actually quite kind in the long run by sparing people unnecessary problems.
The harsh reality is that most people do what they saw their parent(s) do. The example set by their parent(s) is the "default setting" for most people. Good or bad.
So, let's consider this in terms of fatherless men. Let's consider what it might mean if you select a fatherless man to be your husband and the father of your children.
Do you really want YOUR children's father to be a man who:
Has never seen what a live-in, full-time husband and father does?
Has never seen a father be a part of everyday routines (such as small children who mysteriously can't find their socks or shoes when getting dressed for school)?
Has never seen a father play an integral role in creating family holiday traditions?
Has never seen a father put up the family Christmas tree each year?
Has never helped his father put up the family Christmas tree each year?
Has never seen a father put up the Christmas lights each year?
Has never helped his father put up the Christmas lights each year?
Has never seen a father play an integral role in creating family weekend traditions?
Has never seen a father get up before everybody else in the house to clear the snow off the steps and sidewalk that his family will use to go to school/work that morning?
Has never seen a father clearing the ice off the windows of his wife's car while doing the above?
Has never seen a father get up in the middle of the night to walk through the house and peek into various rooms to make sure that the children are safe and sleeping comfortably?
Has never seen what a healthy, day to day relationship between a married couple looks like from inside the home?
Has never seen a husband showing daily respect and consideration for his wife?
Has never seen a father show daily affection for his children?
Has never seen a father having and implementing a plan for his children's educational futures?
Has never seen a father having and implementing a plan for his children's vocational futures?
Has never seen a father discuss his children's relationship futures with them (what is to be looked for and valued in a spouse)?
Has never seen a man show respect for legitimate authority?
There are countless other, specific questions that I could ask along these lines; but you get the idea. It's something that bears some serious consideration.
***Addendum*** Before somebody writes in to talk about how Pres. Obama is a fatherless man, let's carefully think about that for a moment. First of all, common sense should tell us that the exception is NOT the rule. Common sense should also make it plain that Pres. Obama is atypical in many ways. Being fatherless and raised by Whites in Hawaii and Indonesia is probably quite different from being fatherless and raised under other conditions in other places.
Second, there's no rational reason to assume that President Obama is such a great father. I know many of us enjoy the symbolism of the publicity photos he takes with his daughters, but let's try to think clearly about this for a moment. I find it interesting that nobody really stops to consider just how absent he's been (due to a political career that he voluntarily chose) during HUGE portions of his young daughters' lives. To a small child, absent is absent. From previous interviews, his absences seem to have been a source of friction in his marriage.
He lightly touched on this himself during his infamous Father's Day speech when he said: "I say this knowing that I have been an imperfect father - knowing that I have made mistakes and will continue to make more; wishing that I could be home for my girls and my wife more than I am right now."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/06/15/obamas-fathers-day-speech_n_107220.html
***2nd Addendum*** Ahh . . . the Internet Ike Turners and Ikettes are losing their minds about the very idea of African-American women adhering to UNIVERSAL standards used to evaluate men. LOL! So, I see that I'm going to have to enforce accountability for this conversation. This means that I WON'T post any anonymous comments during this conversation.
***3rd Addendum*** These series of posts are about the UNIVERSAL standards used by HETEROSEXUAL women across the planet to evaluate men as potential husbands and fathers.
Fatherlessness also affects girls, but since HETEROSEXUAL women are NOT seeking to marry and raise children with other women, the effect of fatherlessness on girls is not relevant to this conversation.
Therefore, when interjecting themselves into women's conversations about how fatherlessness impacts potential spouses for themselves, "concerned" Internet Ike Turners and Ikettes need to present their concerns about fatherless women at lesbian blogs. It should be elementary to note that lesbians are the only women who would be evaluating fatherless women as potential spouses for themselves! {chuckling}
Since this is a meeting for current and aspiring Sojourners, I'm not going to even bother discussing the widely-known undesirables that any prudent woman would totally screen OUT of her romantic life such as convicts, drug users, and playboys.
Instead, let's talk about something that I hear very few African-American women mention when they discuss the husband potential of various men: whether or not these men grew up with a father or are fatherless.
I find this quite strange, because the composition of a date's family of origin is one of the first few questions that "old-school" African-American parents want answers to ("Who are his/her people?"). This is also one of the first few questions that many middle-class African-American parents will have about the people their children date. Parents from many other ethnic groups (such as African; Asian, including South Asian; and Middle Eastern) typically go even further with these inquiries. Parents from these groups tend to strongly discourage their children from dating people from broken or dysfunctional homes. They do this because they understand that their child isn't just marrying an individual, but is actually marrying and mating into another family's background.
Modern Western culture likes to characterize screening potential mates based upon their family of origin as intrusive and cruel, but it's actually quite kind in the long run by sparing people unnecessary problems.
The harsh reality is that most people do what they saw their parent(s) do. The example set by their parent(s) is the "default setting" for most people. Good or bad.
So, let's consider this in terms of fatherless men. Let's consider what it might mean if you select a fatherless man to be your husband and the father of your children.
Do you really want YOUR children's father to be a man who:
Has never seen what a live-in, full-time husband and father does?
Has never seen a father be a part of everyday routines (such as small children who mysteriously can't find their socks or shoes when getting dressed for school)?
Has never seen a father play an integral role in creating family holiday traditions?
Has never seen a father put up the family Christmas tree each year?
Has never helped his father put up the family Christmas tree each year?
Has never seen a father put up the Christmas lights each year?
Has never helped his father put up the Christmas lights each year?
Has never seen a father play an integral role in creating family weekend traditions?
Has never seen a father get up before everybody else in the house to clear the snow off the steps and sidewalk that his family will use to go to school/work that morning?
Has never seen a father clearing the ice off the windows of his wife's car while doing the above?
Has never seen a father get up in the middle of the night to walk through the house and peek into various rooms to make sure that the children are safe and sleeping comfortably?
Has never seen what a healthy, day to day relationship between a married couple looks like from inside the home?
Has never seen a husband showing daily respect and consideration for his wife?
Has never seen a father show daily affection for his children?
Has never seen a father having and implementing a plan for his children's educational futures?
Has never seen a father having and implementing a plan for his children's vocational futures?
Has never seen a father discuss his children's relationship futures with them (what is to be looked for and valued in a spouse)?
Has never seen a man show respect for legitimate authority?
There are countless other, specific questions that I could ask along these lines; but you get the idea. It's something that bears some serious consideration.
***Addendum*** Before somebody writes in to talk about how Pres. Obama is a fatherless man, let's carefully think about that for a moment. First of all, common sense should tell us that the exception is NOT the rule. Common sense should also make it plain that Pres. Obama is atypical in many ways. Being fatherless and raised by Whites in Hawaii and Indonesia is probably quite different from being fatherless and raised under other conditions in other places.
Second, there's no rational reason to assume that President Obama is such a great father. I know many of us enjoy the symbolism of the publicity photos he takes with his daughters, but let's try to think clearly about this for a moment. I find it interesting that nobody really stops to consider just how absent he's been (due to a political career that he voluntarily chose) during HUGE portions of his young daughters' lives. To a small child, absent is absent. From previous interviews, his absences seem to have been a source of friction in his marriage.
He lightly touched on this himself during his infamous Father's Day speech when he said: "I say this knowing that I have been an imperfect father - knowing that I have made mistakes and will continue to make more; wishing that I could be home for my girls and my wife more than I am right now."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/06/15/obamas-fathers-day-speech_n_107220.html
***2nd Addendum*** Ahh . . . the Internet Ike Turners and Ikettes are losing their minds about the very idea of African-American women adhering to UNIVERSAL standards used to evaluate men. LOL! So, I see that I'm going to have to enforce accountability for this conversation. This means that I WON'T post any anonymous comments during this conversation.
***3rd Addendum*** These series of posts are about the UNIVERSAL standards used by HETEROSEXUAL women across the planet to evaluate men as potential husbands and fathers.
Fatherlessness also affects girls, but since HETEROSEXUAL women are NOT seeking to marry and raise children with other women, the effect of fatherlessness on girls is not relevant to this conversation.
Therefore, when interjecting themselves into women's conversations about how fatherlessness impacts potential spouses for themselves, "concerned" Internet Ike Turners and Ikettes need to present their concerns about fatherless women at lesbian blogs. It should be elementary to note that lesbians are the only women who would be evaluating fatherless women as potential spouses for themselves! {chuckling}
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